Easy Peasy

After a very grueling week, I have had 2 easy peasy days.

On Saturday, I wasn't feeling well, so my husband gave me the day off.  For reals.  I was able to crash in bed and sleep.  I think part of it was that I was just so exhausted; the previous 5 days gave me a real run for my money.

So, today we had a backlog of errands that had to be run AND I still wanted to hang out with my mother.  So, my mother and I ran the errands sans baby while my husband again hung out with Sir Caleb.  (Seriously, is my hubby awesome or what?)

My mother and I went to Ikea, Costco, and Trader Joes.  It constantly surprises me how much you can get done with you are not hauling a 2 year old around.  Plus, it was nice to be out with my mom; I was able to open up to her and talk about my feelings.  Yes, there was a bit of in-car crying, which always sucks cause other people can see you and you have no good way to fix your makeup afterwards.  But it felt good to let it out.

At Ikea we got Caleb a tunnel for him to crawl through; this was prescribed to us by Occupational Therapy.  I was told to hold a favorite toy at an opposite end in order to entice him to crawl through, however that was not necessary.  When we got home and unpacked the tunnel, my little guy couldn't get enough of it.  He was smiling so big, it made everyone else smile, too.  The best part is that it wore him out!  Yay!

At Trader Joes I got 10 bags of freeze dried strawberries.  I mean, I got other groceries as well, but this is an important part of our shopping trip.  Caleb can go through a bag a day, and sometimes this is all he will eat.  At checkout, the cashier was surprised at the amount, and I explained that my son was a picky eater.  In my head, I was guessing that her initial reaction was that my son was somehow "running the show" or because I am a heavier person, I must not understand the importance of nutrition.  I just feel like she probably didn't think, "oh, autistic kid."  Before I read about autism, I wouldn't have.

I am constantly feeling like a bad mother.  I know that my house isn't clean enough.  I know that I should give my son more baths.  I know that my son barely eats, and when he does, he doesn't get enough protein or veggies.  I know that I don't do every suggested therapy homework everyday.  Why?  Because I am fucking tired.  Not just tired.  Fucking tired.

2 year olds are difficult.
2 year olds with autism are fucking tiring.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my son with all my heart.  But, I don't love his autism.  I would wish it away in a heartbeat.  I feel like autism is this wet, heavy blanket that has obfuscated his real self.  I feel like therapy is the process of removing this blanket and bringing my Caleb back to me.  The Caleb that doesn't need his binkie 24/7, the Caleb that doesn't meltdown at the drop of a hat, the Caleb that talks.  My Caleb.

I will see him soon.
I hope.