Another Good Day

I don't know if we were experiencing a long stretch of bad behavior or if we are currently experiencing good behavior, but for the past two days Caleb has been back to his old self.

Now, to be fair, Caleb still isn't perfect when he is "back to his old self."  Caleb is still nonverbal, a very picky eater, and expresses a lot of autistic tendencies.  However, right now Caleb is back to playing with his Duplos, touching us and enjoying our touch in return, actually asking us to play with him and engaging with us, and sleeping on a regular schedule.  These things are amazing.

I have to admit, though, I do get jealous of other parents.  A friend of mine with a daughter who is 6 months younger than Caleb has mommy-daughter activities that Caleb and I could never do.  For example, she and her daughter decorated cookies together, went to a concert together (and her daughter stayed right by her side!), and go to book readings together.  I often wish that Caleb had the ability to sit still and pay attention to a book, but that has never happened.  Then today my friend writes on Facebook that her daughter said her own name.  News like this make my heart sink.  I fear how far Caleb is falling behind in milestones and it crushes me.  But, I am also extremely selfish.  How I long to hear Caleb tell me what he wants.  How I long for a son who doesn't run from me every chance he gets.  How I long for the spoken and physical reassurance that my son loves me.  I am selfish because I see all these things I want and I realize that Caleb is more difficult than the average child and maybe what I want is for things to be easier.  Yes, I do.  I want things to be easier with Caleb.  Is that so bad?

I think I have to keep in mind the reality that my family is in.  This means that my frame of mind must change and I must also change my expectations.  I cannot celebrate when Caleb says his own name, but I can celebrate when he takes his nap on the first attempt, or when he eats a balanced meal.

That is why today was a good day.  Did Caleb talk?  Of course not.  But he ate his beans and slept for almost 3 hours!  He played peek-a-boo with his closet door and came running into my arms with a huge grin on his face, so excited to run up my chest and do a back flip onto the floor. 

I need to remember that other people's milestones don't necessary apply to Caleb.  We are on a different path.  And we hope that Caleb will eventually catch up, but the important part, I think, is that we are on this road together, enjoying the good days when we can.