In the past post I discussed how I can be suddenly aware of how different my life is versus the lives of other parents with neurotypical children. And while I love Caleb and would not trade him for anyone, let there not be a doubt in anyone's mind that I would get rid of his autism if I could - in a fricking heartbeat.
My husband, Caleb, and I have settled into our own little routine, and looking at the lives of friends and their kids seems so foreign and strange. You made cookies with your child? You had a verbal argument with your daughter? Your son helped you make dinner? I'm sorry, I don't understand - are these real children or just super short adults?
The part that I noticed this past week is how strange we seem to other people. My Great Aunt Ann had her 93 birthday party last night, and a lot of family from all over the country came to celebrate with her. I had to call and say that we could not make it; Caleb is suddenly very attached to me and being away from both Albert and me for the duration of a party might put Caleb into a meltdown of disastrous proportions. And, of course, there was no way we could take him to the party. It seemed natural for us to sadly decline the offer, but my family didn't really understand why. And how could they?
My birthday was on the 15th of this month. When my Grandma asked me what I would buy for myself with the check she sent me, I said that it was going toward Caleb's expensive gfcf groceries. She was surprised and called me sweet. But really, I am not generous, I am just trying to make sure we stay in the black.
My mom tells me that she is proud of me for finding all of these programs that help Caleb - the Kaufman Center, Early On, and then we have our official evaluation at Henry Ford Hospital. I also read tons of articles and books on autism, and that is why I decided to try the gluten-free/casein-free diet. I am not doing anything special; I am just being a mother trying to help her son.
So, to others my actions may seem sweet or mysterious or silly or awesome, but honestly, I am just doing what any mother would do. When we decide to get pregnant and have a baby, we make a contract with that baby to always put that baby first. I am just honoring that contract.
And to my family and friends who have amazing, beautiful neurotypical children, I do not resent the life you have with children, although at times I might envy it. When Caleb is having his after-nap meltdown which requires a half-hour routine to cure, I envy you who can feed your children wet food, or trust your child not to run off away from you, or even are able to have a broken-English conversation with your child. Yes, I do envy you.
But, right now, life is good. I am not sad. I may be a little stressed out and tired, but I am happy. I can see the daily improvements in Caleb and my husband and I celebrate those wins.
And with hope, hard work, and love, maybe one day, I will have no reason to envy anyone at all.
Oh, and for the record, I have no problem with you calling me awesome, special, or sweet. promise. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment