I haven't been posting very much lately, mostly because I just don't have the energy to. Before Caleb was in therapy 4 days a week, I had the physical and mental energy to stay awake past 9pm. But now, I am also doing therapy with Caleb at home and spending so much more time with him that by the time he goes to bed. which is sometime between 7:30 and 9pm, I am done. Like stick-a-fork-in-me done. I try to go watch television with my husband, but I always end up snoring midway through the show. So, being able to post is kind of out of the question.
What has been happening lately is that Caleb is improving by leaps and bounds. He is imitating movements and even sounds. The other day he imitated animal sounds I made; I said, "a sheep says 'baaaa,' and he repeated, "baaaa." It was incredible. He then repeated "cluck cluck" for a hen, "hissss" for a snake, "caw caw" for a parrot, and then for a cow, he tried to say "moo" but got stuck, so only said, "mmmm." Overall, super exciting. Caleb is also playing appropriately with toys, such as rolling cars on the floor. He has graduated from bottles to sippy cups. We are also taking some nice walks together with the use of a backpack on him with an attacked leash. (Yes, I have my child on a leash. Yes, I have conflicted feelings about it. But overall, I do it because it keeps my child safe and it makes it so we can both have a pleasant experience.)
So, with Caleb making so many improvements, I wonder now which of his behaviors are autistic and which are normal 2 year old. I have heard his teachers and therapists say many times that it is difficult to diagnose a 2 year old for autism because basically all 2 year olds look autistic. I mean, this is funny, but it comes from a source of truth. So, again, I wonder.
I get that his mouth agape is autistic looking. And the fact that he is so skinny that his 18 month shorts just feel off. Twice. But other than that, what are dead giveaways? He now has really great eye contact. I mean, he is nonverbal, but before you get to that point, how would one know?
I feel like I want to just set up some cameras in some homes and watch how 2 year olds really act.
Yeah, because that isn't at all creepy....
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
yay!
Caleb has been making awesome progress.
His Early On teacher told me today that she thinks that Henry Ford was wrong in their diagnosis and that Caleb's autism isn't severe. She thinks that Caleb is very bright and learns very quickly, and that he will not need therapy throughout middle school as we were told.
I am over the moon.
Shine shine shine!
His Early On teacher told me today that she thinks that Henry Ford was wrong in their diagnosis and that Caleb's autism isn't severe. She thinks that Caleb is very bright and learns very quickly, and that he will not need therapy throughout middle school as we were told.
I am over the moon.
Shine shine shine!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Better Times A Comin'
Every so often, I have to admit, I get a pang in my stomach and I close my eyes and wish to god that Caleb didn't have autism. I wish that it all just goes away and my son is normal and he says my name and talks just fine and my life is just, well, normal. These pains haven't yet gone away, and I don't know if they do, to be honest. I do know that as we settle into our little routine, they are getting fewer and further in between.
I still get sad. I still think, "we us?" But then, I focus on the positives.
Like yesterday. Caleb has been making so many of these wonderful images with paint, marker, and stickers, so we thought it would be great if he made one for his cousin, Benton. (http://blessingsforbenton.blogspot.com/) As Caleb was picking out My Little Pony stickers, I casually asked Caleb to pick out my favorite pony, Fluttershy - and then he did! So then we quizzed him again to pick out Pinkie Pie, and he was able to again! Finally, my husband asked Caleb to point to Twilight Sparkle, and Caleb picked out a friendship banner. My husband admitted defeat, but when Caleb removed his finger from the banner, there was Twilight Sparkle on the left hand side of the banner. He had done it again!
This wasn't just chance - this was real communication. This meant that he has understood a lot more than we previously thought. Just because he doesn't speak doesn't mean he doesn't know.
Then today in Early On class, he didn't scream and cry during singing circle. It was amazing. He was, dare I say it, the good kid. Seriously.
We have only been at therapy for 3 months and already we are seeing such improvement. I have so much faith in my little monkey. I know it is so hard for Caleb; I see him working and trying so hard all the time. I wish life weren't so difficult for my son. Like I said, I wish I could make it all better for him. But, now only he can make it better for himself; all I gotta do is remove every obstacle in his way.
I still get sad. I still think, "we us?" But then, I focus on the positives.
Like yesterday. Caleb has been making so many of these wonderful images with paint, marker, and stickers, so we thought it would be great if he made one for his cousin, Benton. (http://blessingsforbenton.blogspot.com/) As Caleb was picking out My Little Pony stickers, I casually asked Caleb to pick out my favorite pony, Fluttershy - and then he did! So then we quizzed him again to pick out Pinkie Pie, and he was able to again! Finally, my husband asked Caleb to point to Twilight Sparkle, and Caleb picked out a friendship banner. My husband admitted defeat, but when Caleb removed his finger from the banner, there was Twilight Sparkle on the left hand side of the banner. He had done it again!
This wasn't just chance - this was real communication. This meant that he has understood a lot more than we previously thought. Just because he doesn't speak doesn't mean he doesn't know.
Then today in Early On class, he didn't scream and cry during singing circle. It was amazing. He was, dare I say it, the good kid. Seriously.
We have only been at therapy for 3 months and already we are seeing such improvement. I have so much faith in my little monkey. I know it is so hard for Caleb; I see him working and trying so hard all the time. I wish life weren't so difficult for my son. Like I said, I wish I could make it all better for him. But, now only he can make it better for himself; all I gotta do is remove every obstacle in his way.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Sicky McSickerson
Well, my poor husband thought that he couldn't get sick from the baby. Yup. Could not happen. Not if he held the baby close and kissed his face. Not if he ate his discarded applesauce packets. Not if he refused to touch anti-bacterial soap because it was unnecessary. Well.... My husband got sick. And not just kind of sick, but majorly sick. Like, holy shit, you actually look green, sick.
The kind of sick that makes the air around you wilt. Seriously. The air around him wilted it was so foul. It smelled like vomit and decayed flesh.
On the plus side, I got to take care of the baby, the dogs, and Caleb (see what I did there?) for 3.5 days straight! On the fourth day, I passed out. Kind of literally.
It was a good thing that my husband was doing better because tonight, the fourth night, I allowed myself to fall down, face-forward, on the guest bedroom mattress and pass out. And I was out. For like, an hour. Until I woke up to my son screaming bloody murder and my husband saying, "don't worry, your mother will fix it!" This had me worried.
Somehow my son was able to factory-reset the Kindle. That boy is pretty damn smart.
So, now I am spending my evening redownloading all of his stupid (I mean lovely! LOVELY!) apps while forcing my eyelids open.
Btw, the next time my child is sick and my husband thinks he is invincible, I am just going to throw everything away before he can touch it and then bathe him in antibacterial gel.
The kind of sick that makes the air around you wilt. Seriously. The air around him wilted it was so foul. It smelled like vomit and decayed flesh.
On the plus side, I got to take care of the baby, the dogs, and Caleb (see what I did there?) for 3.5 days straight! On the fourth day, I passed out. Kind of literally.
It was a good thing that my husband was doing better because tonight, the fourth night, I allowed myself to fall down, face-forward, on the guest bedroom mattress and pass out. And I was out. For like, an hour. Until I woke up to my son screaming bloody murder and my husband saying, "don't worry, your mother will fix it!" This had me worried.
Somehow my son was able to factory-reset the Kindle. That boy is pretty damn smart.
So, now I am spending my evening redownloading all of his stupid (I mean lovely! LOVELY!) apps while forcing my eyelids open.
Btw, the next time my child is sick and my husband thinks he is invincible, I am just going to throw everything away before he can touch it and then bathe him in antibacterial gel.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Migraines?
My husband and I both get migraines which are bad enough that we have to be on preventatives and see a neurologist about once a month. So, while expected that our child would probably suffer from migraines as well; what we didn't expect is how young our child would be when the migraines would start.
My husband and I believe that Caleb is already suffering from migraines. It is hard to pinpoint what exactly makes us believe this, but it is a combination of things. First of all, when he has what we perceive to be a migraine, he is very sensitive to sound and light, which are common reactions for a person having a migraine. Secondly, he gets clumsy, stumbling and dropping things. Next, he is grumpy and irritable, and exhibits behavior that usually means he is in pain. Add all of these things up and sprinkle in instances when he squints looking at the TV or cries because his kindle app is suddenly loud, and consider that children with autism are more likely to suffer from headaches in general, and we have concluded that Caleb probably gets migraines. It is also meaningful that some of the migraine symptoms disappear after an administration of ibuprofen.
Now, to be honest, my husband and I could be totally off. And I really hope we are. I hope this is something else completely benign and Caleb is migraine free. But, just in case, we have an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist in early April.
Do you know how hard it is to find a Pediatric Neurologist? In Michigan, there are only 4 medical organizations that have Pediatric Neurologists. FOUR. In the whole darn state. At the University of Michigan, you need a reference from you Pediatrician saying that your child needs this appointment, and then depending on the severity of your needs (according to the judgement of the doctors) you can get an appointment anywhere between May and next January.
Yup, you read that right. Next January.
So, basically, if we went with U of M, Caleb could possibly be having migraines until next January without any sort of medical intervention.
Um, no thanks.
Then, this other private organization required not only a reference from my pediatrician, but notes from her dictation as well, and her dictation had to state that Caleb needed to see a Pediatric Neurologist. Well, actually, it was the doctors at Henry Ford Hospital who said that he should see someone. So, that one was a no-go as well.
Finally, I called the Children's Hospital. Not only did they not need a reference of any sort, they have a doctor right near me. All they needed was my insurance information and I picked a day. So easy I was confused. Thank goodness for them.
So, today I think Caleb had another migraine. I could tell when the ibuprofen wore off. He is actually sleeping during nap time, and sleeping a lot. This is something that he inherited, and quite possibly from me. I gave him this.
More guilt.
Throw it on the pile.
My poor lil' monkey...
My husband and I believe that Caleb is already suffering from migraines. It is hard to pinpoint what exactly makes us believe this, but it is a combination of things. First of all, when he has what we perceive to be a migraine, he is very sensitive to sound and light, which are common reactions for a person having a migraine. Secondly, he gets clumsy, stumbling and dropping things. Next, he is grumpy and irritable, and exhibits behavior that usually means he is in pain. Add all of these things up and sprinkle in instances when he squints looking at the TV or cries because his kindle app is suddenly loud, and consider that children with autism are more likely to suffer from headaches in general, and we have concluded that Caleb probably gets migraines. It is also meaningful that some of the migraine symptoms disappear after an administration of ibuprofen.
Now, to be honest, my husband and I could be totally off. And I really hope we are. I hope this is something else completely benign and Caleb is migraine free. But, just in case, we have an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist in early April.
Do you know how hard it is to find a Pediatric Neurologist? In Michigan, there are only 4 medical organizations that have Pediatric Neurologists. FOUR. In the whole darn state. At the University of Michigan, you need a reference from you Pediatrician saying that your child needs this appointment, and then depending on the severity of your needs (according to the judgement of the doctors) you can get an appointment anywhere between May and next January.
Yup, you read that right. Next January.
So, basically, if we went with U of M, Caleb could possibly be having migraines until next January without any sort of medical intervention.
Um, no thanks.
Then, this other private organization required not only a reference from my pediatrician, but notes from her dictation as well, and her dictation had to state that Caleb needed to see a Pediatric Neurologist. Well, actually, it was the doctors at Henry Ford Hospital who said that he should see someone. So, that one was a no-go as well.
Finally, I called the Children's Hospital. Not only did they not need a reference of any sort, they have a doctor right near me. All they needed was my insurance information and I picked a day. So easy I was confused. Thank goodness for them.
So, today I think Caleb had another migraine. I could tell when the ibuprofen wore off. He is actually sleeping during nap time, and sleeping a lot. This is something that he inherited, and quite possibly from me. I gave him this.
More guilt.
Throw it on the pile.
My poor lil' monkey...
Saturday, March 15, 2014
I heard that you like stickers to stick on your stickers with your stickers.
Caleb has been loving his art therapy. Every chance he gets, he has been pulling me or my husband back to his art station, begging for us to supply him with more paper, more crayons, more paint stampers, and especially more stickers! This boy is sticker crazy!
Caleb was sick on Thursday and Friday, throwing up from illness for the first time in his life. And even with a bad fever and stomach pains, he still wanted to make art. Of course, he was super grumpy, and a super sticker snob. He would thumb through our piles of stickers, angry that he couldn't find that one perfect page of stickers.
We finally got his room looking the way we want it to:
And now his walls are covered with his artwork, which is awesome. We want him to feel a sense of pride in his work, and the best way we can think to do that is to proudly display it. If he keeps up at this pace, by Fall his walls will be wallpapered with his drawings. Now wouldn't that be fantastic?
His work lately is mostly with stickers, but we are trying to encourage him to use the paint stampers and the crayons. I even tried to get him to do some collage work with photographs I cut out of an old photography book; true to his stubborn nature, he would always go right back to what he likes: stickers.
I think that his sticker work is good for him. Not only does it let him express himself, but it helps build fine motor skills and learn to focus on a task for an extended period of time. His pieces are intriguing and I do appreciate some of the artistic choices he makes in terms of composition, design, and color work. I just wish that he would expand his taste in materials.
But, baby steps.
He will get there. Eventually. :)
Caleb was sick on Thursday and Friday, throwing up from illness for the first time in his life. And even with a bad fever and stomach pains, he still wanted to make art. Of course, he was super grumpy, and a super sticker snob. He would thumb through our piles of stickers, angry that he couldn't find that one perfect page of stickers.
We finally got his room looking the way we want it to:
And now his walls are covered with his artwork, which is awesome. We want him to feel a sense of pride in his work, and the best way we can think to do that is to proudly display it. If he keeps up at this pace, by Fall his walls will be wallpapered with his drawings. Now wouldn't that be fantastic?
His work lately is mostly with stickers, but we are trying to encourage him to use the paint stampers and the crayons. I even tried to get him to do some collage work with photographs I cut out of an old photography book; true to his stubborn nature, he would always go right back to what he likes: stickers.
I think that his sticker work is good for him. Not only does it let him express himself, but it helps build fine motor skills and learn to focus on a task for an extended period of time. His pieces are intriguing and I do appreciate some of the artistic choices he makes in terms of composition, design, and color work. I just wish that he would expand his taste in materials.
But, baby steps.
He will get there. Eventually. :)
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
More Children
It is the time when a lot of my friends are announcing on Facebook that they are having their second child. This, of course, kills me. I am insanely jealous. So much, it hurts.
I want to have another child so badly.
I have been researching adoption. It seems that through foster adoption, the cost is minimal, but the children all have emotional, social, or learning disabilities. Otherwise, adopting babies inside the U.S. starts to run into the tens of thousands of dollars. With international adoption, the fee can be around $30,000.
My heart hurts with the idea that we will never have another child. I know my husband wants more, and since it is my infertility that is stopping us from having more, I also feel completely guilty.
I want to have another child so badly.
I have been researching adoption. It seems that through foster adoption, the cost is minimal, but the children all have emotional, social, or learning disabilities. Otherwise, adopting babies inside the U.S. starts to run into the tens of thousands of dollars. With international adoption, the fee can be around $30,000.
My heart hurts with the idea that we will never have another child. I know my husband wants more, and since it is my infertility that is stopping us from having more, I also feel completely guilty.
Response to a response
Last week I wrote a post, Henry Ford Hospital Diagnosis; I posted it here and on Tumblr where I also have a Favorite Monkey page. A couple people reblogged my post on Tumblr, with the response that I was acting like Caleb's autism was a death sentence. But then I realized that they are teenagers and they don't know what it is like to be a parent, so fuck what they think.
This blog is about how I feel. And right now, yeah, there is a death of expectations in my life.
I have to mourn that Caleb will not be able to go through the same milestones that I expected him to. When we have children, for the most part, we expect them to progress the way we did. We imagine them having the same major life events that we did growing up. When we learn that our kids aren't going to have that kind of journey, we worry that they are being robbed of something.
Now, there is this rise of people with autism who rally around the idea that autism is awesome, and I am glad that they feel so empowered. But don't think for a second that I wouldn't wish Caleb's autism away. I am doing everything I can every single day to make Caleb better, and if I am trying to make him "better," then obviously something about being autistic is undesirable. That said, I never want Caleb to feel like he is undesirable. He is the most amazing kid and I love him more than anything. Can I love him without loving his autism? I don't see why not for now. Maybe when he is older and he isn't able to improve as much, his autism will be more about who he is. But, for now, it isn't as attached to his persona.
If you are able to keep a blog and tell me why you think having autism is awesome, then you aren't a person with severe autism, and you don't know what it is like to have severe autism, so you don't know if that is awesome or not. Cause I am the one who sees my son struggling to communicate. I am the one who sees Caleb getting frustrated with his lack of abilities to match the taste and ideas in his head. I am the one who sees Caleb break down because I don't understand what he wants and he can't tell me.
So, yes, when you are 18, you know everything.
When you are a mom, you know nothing, but you feel everything.
This blog is about how I feel. And right now, yeah, there is a death of expectations in my life.
I have to mourn that Caleb will not be able to go through the same milestones that I expected him to. When we have children, for the most part, we expect them to progress the way we did. We imagine them having the same major life events that we did growing up. When we learn that our kids aren't going to have that kind of journey, we worry that they are being robbed of something.
Now, there is this rise of people with autism who rally around the idea that autism is awesome, and I am glad that they feel so empowered. But don't think for a second that I wouldn't wish Caleb's autism away. I am doing everything I can every single day to make Caleb better, and if I am trying to make him "better," then obviously something about being autistic is undesirable. That said, I never want Caleb to feel like he is undesirable. He is the most amazing kid and I love him more than anything. Can I love him without loving his autism? I don't see why not for now. Maybe when he is older and he isn't able to improve as much, his autism will be more about who he is. But, for now, it isn't as attached to his persona.
If you are able to keep a blog and tell me why you think having autism is awesome, then you aren't a person with severe autism, and you don't know what it is like to have severe autism, so you don't know if that is awesome or not. Cause I am the one who sees my son struggling to communicate. I am the one who sees Caleb getting frustrated with his lack of abilities to match the taste and ideas in his head. I am the one who sees Caleb break down because I don't understand what he wants and he can't tell me.
So, yes, when you are 18, you know everything.
When you are a mom, you know nothing, but you feel everything.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Tough Morning, Fun Afternoon
Caleb had a bit of a rough time during group time at Early On today. When they have music time, every child has to stay in a circle made up of moms - basically it is mom-bouncer time at the baby music club. Caleb screamed and cried and had a fit. His poor face turned bright red and he just was having a very bad time.
I didn't know what to do because at home, I never have to put him in this situation. I don't really have a gang of women show up at my house and put Caleb in a circle, shockingly enough. So, I tried to calm him down, but honestly, I felt helpless. I felt like I could see the other people judging me and my son. I felt like a bad mother. I felt like I was letting everyone down, especially Caleb. It was embarrassing to me when the occupational therapist was able to calm Caleb down when I couldn't. I am his mother - shouldn't this by my ability by blood?
Well, after a difficult morning, Caleb and I needed some shopping therapy. We got some markers and stickers, as well as some necessary groceries and household products. Later, when we got home, we had lunch and then we were off to art it up!
Today we made 3 new pieces.
(btw, I think the dinosaurs and kittens combination is kind of brilliant)
Caleb likes to layer stickers upon stickers, which I can find to be frustrating since stickers aren't necessarily cheap, and covering them up with other stickers seems like a waste. But I have to remind myself that this is his process, and the fact that he is layering stickers is not a waste, but rather a demonstration of how he thinks and creates. Plus, we are having him use stickers to work on his fine motor skills; no matter where he places the stickers, he is still working on those skills.
I really enjoy doing art therapy with Caleb. It fills me with joy to see him get so excited to create art, something that was much a part of my life for a long time. This also gives me hope that even if Caleb will not be able to express himself verbally, he will be able to express himself artistically.
This evening I spent about an hour cutting images out of an old macro photography book. Most of the images are close ups of nature, which means they are interesting but there isn't a lot of variation. I tried to make a lot of different shapes and sizes, and hopefully tomorrow, Caleb will be interested in making a collage with a glue stick.
Here's hoping!
I didn't know what to do because at home, I never have to put him in this situation. I don't really have a gang of women show up at my house and put Caleb in a circle, shockingly enough. So, I tried to calm him down, but honestly, I felt helpless. I felt like I could see the other people judging me and my son. I felt like a bad mother. I felt like I was letting everyone down, especially Caleb. It was embarrassing to me when the occupational therapist was able to calm Caleb down when I couldn't. I am his mother - shouldn't this by my ability by blood?
Well, after a difficult morning, Caleb and I needed some shopping therapy. We got some markers and stickers, as well as some necessary groceries and household products. Later, when we got home, we had lunch and then we were off to art it up!
Today we made 3 new pieces.
(btw, I think the dinosaurs and kittens combination is kind of brilliant)
Caleb likes to layer stickers upon stickers, which I can find to be frustrating since stickers aren't necessarily cheap, and covering them up with other stickers seems like a waste. But I have to remind myself that this is his process, and the fact that he is layering stickers is not a waste, but rather a demonstration of how he thinks and creates. Plus, we are having him use stickers to work on his fine motor skills; no matter where he places the stickers, he is still working on those skills.
I really enjoy doing art therapy with Caleb. It fills me with joy to see him get so excited to create art, something that was much a part of my life for a long time. This also gives me hope that even if Caleb will not be able to express himself verbally, he will be able to express himself artistically.
This evening I spent about an hour cutting images out of an old macro photography book. Most of the images are close ups of nature, which means they are interesting but there isn't a lot of variation. I tried to make a lot of different shapes and sizes, and hopefully tomorrow, Caleb will be interested in making a collage with a glue stick.
Here's hoping!
Monday, March 10, 2014
Art fun
Today we tried to create some artwork - basically working on art therapy. We worked with marker stampers (basically bingo stampers), crayons, and stickers. The result was better than anything I could have imagined. Caleb *loved* making pieces of artwork. I tried transition to another activity several times, and each time Caleb demanded that we go back to the art table. When I finally had to take a break from the art projects to feed the dogs, Caleb waited by the gate, impatiently waiting the entire time.
Here are the pieces he created before he his afternoon nap.
Then, after dinner, Caleb wanted to do MORE art! So this time, Daddy got a turn.
Every little step we make is another step forward in our progress together.
I love my little buddy more than words can express and now that we have another activity that we can share together, we have another way to bound together.
Here are the pieces he created before he his afternoon nap.
Then, after dinner, Caleb wanted to do MORE art! So this time, Daddy got a turn.
Every little step we make is another step forward in our progress together.
I love my little buddy more than words can express and now that we have another activity that we can share together, we have another way to bound together.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Some very cool signs for the future.
Some very cool things happened today:
In reality, all of these are single instances, and in all possibility, could remain as so. BUT, for us, Caleb's family, it is a sign of what Caleb is capable of.
Caleb is capable of beating autism.
Caleb is capable of having a normal life.
I just need to be strong enough to help him have it.
- Problem solving
- Caleb couldn't get his kindle to unlock; this is done by dragging the yellow bar across the screen in one swipe. When, after multiple attempts, Caleb couldn't get the yellow bar to reach across to the other side of the screen, Caleb turned the kindle over and turned it off. Caleb then turned the kindle back on and after 2 attempts was able to unlock his kindle.
- My interpretation of this behavior is that Caleb was problem solving. He said to himself, "huh, this isn't working the way it should. Let's try something else and then see if it has an effect on how I get the kindle to work." Now, whether or not turning the kindle off and then back on had any real effect on the unlockability of the kindle isn't the issue. It is that Caleb went through the process of trying to figure out how to solve his problem, and he solve his problem he did.
- Creative/Imaginative Play
- Caleb had a bottle of milk this morning. While he was drinking his milk, he was also playing with a large Duplo elephant. With his milk nearly gone, Caleb decided to share his milk with the elephant; he tipped the elephant over and started dabbing the milk into his mouth. The dabbing process ensured that the milk flowed out of the bottle whereas just putting the bottle up to the elephants mouth would not release a stream of milk.
- My interpretation is that Caleb was pretending that he was feeding the elephant. By explicitly excising milk out of the bottle, we was guaranteeing that the elephant would be fed. This tells me that his imaginative play was not an accident.
- Responding Well to Physical Affection
- Caleb freely gave puckered up kisses to both his Grandma and Grandpa.
- Caleb usually only gives me puckered up kisses. The fact that he is starting to branch out and share his affection is monumental. We can only hope that this is a pattern he repeats.
In reality, all of these are single instances, and in all possibility, could remain as so. BUT, for us, Caleb's family, it is a sign of what Caleb is capable of.
Caleb is capable of beating autism.
Caleb is capable of having a normal life.
I just need to be strong enough to help him have it.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Oops, I did it again...
It happened again tonight.
He fell asleep in the middle of dinner.
Poor tired monkey!
Maybe now he will learn how important it is to take naps in the middle of the day.....
He fell asleep in the middle of dinner.
Poor tired monkey!
Maybe now he will learn how important it is to take naps in the middle of the day.....
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Dinner wasn't THAT bad...
The three of us are eating dinner when Albert gestures for me to look at Caleb.
That is when I see this:
Yup.
Caleb is out, like a rock.
We gingerly swoop him up and carry him to bed.
It was nice to have such a funny moment in the day to remind us what an awesome little monkey our Caleb is.
Today was better than yesterday.
And tomorrow will be better than today.
That is when I see this:
Yup.
Caleb is out, like a rock.
We gingerly swoop him up and carry him to bed.
It was nice to have such a funny moment in the day to remind us what an awesome little monkey our Caleb is.
Today was better than yesterday.
And tomorrow will be better than today.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Henry Ford Hospital Diagnosis
The official diagnosis is: severe autism.
That word, "severe."
Kind of knocks the wind out of me.
I mean, I was expecting "autism," don't get me wrong.
But, "severe?"
That is a whole other ball park.
Now I am wondering if I have to mourn a whole lot of hopes I have had for him.
And yes, some of them are selfish. I will admit that I want to be able to go through all the exciting mother milestones that my mom got to go through. Being a parent of a special needs child robs you of that, and I don't think I was prepared to hear that my son was going to need therapy through his middle school years.
I was definitely not prepared to hear "severe autism."
It will take sometime to breathe and accept this diagnosis.
But, as my sister told me, Caleb is still that same sweet boy, and the diagnosis didn't change him. And while that is true, my hopes for his future have changed, and that is something that will heal in time.
That word, "severe."
Kind of knocks the wind out of me.
I mean, I was expecting "autism," don't get me wrong.
But, "severe?"
That is a whole other ball park.
Now I am wondering if I have to mourn a whole lot of hopes I have had for him.
- What if Caleb never talks?
- What if Caleb never wraps his arms around me and squeezes and really hugs me?
- What if Caleb never says, "I love you" to anyone?
- What if Caleb never makes a friend?
- What if Caleb never goes to a school dance?
- What if Caleb never gets to make bad decisions like a regular teenager?
- What if Caleb never gets crushed by a crush?
- What if Caleb never falls in love?
- What if Caleb never has sex?
- What if Caleb never experiences a mind-blowing orgasm?
- What if Caleb never gets to decide whether or not to start a family of his own?
- What if Caleb never gets to go to college?
- What if Caleb never drives a car?
- What if Caleb never holds a job?
- What if Caleb never has a career?
- What if Caleb never owns more than one suit?
- What if Caleb never dances with a girl?
- What if Caleb never pierces, tattoos, or dyes something in the form of rebellion?
- What if Caleb never moves out of our house?
- What if Caleb never manages his own finances?
- What if Caleb never lives up to his true potential because he is weighted down by this heavy blanket of autism?
And yes, some of them are selfish. I will admit that I want to be able to go through all the exciting mother milestones that my mom got to go through. Being a parent of a special needs child robs you of that, and I don't think I was prepared to hear that my son was going to need therapy through his middle school years.
I was definitely not prepared to hear "severe autism."
It will take sometime to breathe and accept this diagnosis.
But, as my sister told me, Caleb is still that same sweet boy, and the diagnosis didn't change him. And while that is true, my hopes for his future have changed, and that is something that will heal in time.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Silly Evil-Eye-Giving Monkey!
And here is Caleb giving me the evil eye for bothering him while he gets his nighttime milk.
How dare I!!!
How dare I!!!
Big Day Tomorrow
Tomorrow is Caleb's big appointment at Henry Ford Hospital. This is the autism evaluation that will decide whether or not our insurance sees him as autistic or not. This evaluation will determine what kind of services Caleb qualifies for right now and in the future. This evaluation decides whether or not Caleb gets to start the ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) program at The Kaufman Center.
So, a lot is riding on this evaluation, if you couldn't tell.
My stomach is all up in knots, and I am nervous as hell. I mean, this is it. The real deal.
Do I really want my sweet boy to have the real diagnosis? I mean, so far, it has just been what his therapy evaluators have suggested and what we have used to describe him. But, a hospital diagnosis? That is like, for real. Like, FOR REAL, for real.
But, if he does get the autism diagnosis, insurance will cover all sorts of awesome therapy, and Caleb will get the help he needs!
However, if they don't think Caleb is autistic, maybe he isn't really as bad as we all thought.
Maybe he is just having a bad year and we are all just over-reacting. Like, maybe tomorrow he will wake up and be like, "my bad, mom. I was just screwing with you."
I know that is a stretch, but one must always have an open mind to all possibilities.
I know that we are all hoping for an autism diagnosis. I totally get that, really I do. But more than anything, I am hoping to rewind to the point before he started missing milestones, maybe around 10 months, and give him a do-over. Wave a magical wand and give him a mystical boost so that none of this has ever happened and my monkey would be able to tell me that he loves me or hug me by actually wrapping his arms around me and squeezing. That is what I really want.
What is it going to take to make that happen?
So, a lot is riding on this evaluation, if you couldn't tell.
My stomach is all up in knots, and I am nervous as hell. I mean, this is it. The real deal.
Do I really want my sweet boy to have the real diagnosis? I mean, so far, it has just been what his therapy evaluators have suggested and what we have used to describe him. But, a hospital diagnosis? That is like, for real. Like, FOR REAL, for real.
But, if he does get the autism diagnosis, insurance will cover all sorts of awesome therapy, and Caleb will get the help he needs!
However, if they don't think Caleb is autistic, maybe he isn't really as bad as we all thought.
Maybe he is just having a bad year and we are all just over-reacting. Like, maybe tomorrow he will wake up and be like, "my bad, mom. I was just screwing with you."
I know that is a stretch, but one must always have an open mind to all possibilities.
I know that we are all hoping for an autism diagnosis. I totally get that, really I do. But more than anything, I am hoping to rewind to the point before he started missing milestones, maybe around 10 months, and give him a do-over. Wave a magical wand and give him a mystical boost so that none of this has ever happened and my monkey would be able to tell me that he loves me or hug me by actually wrapping his arms around me and squeezing. That is what I really want.
What is it going to take to make that happen?
Sunday, March 2, 2014
The Right Choice
My blog entries have gotten less frequent, and that is not only because our lives have gotten busier (therapy at the center and home), but because Caleb's behavior isn't as odd to us as it used to be. I guess we are starting to get used to the idea of having an autistic child.
About a week ago, when Caleb was sitting in the middle of a pile of Duplos and started spinning around, I timed for how long he would spin. He spun around for a full minute. Six months ago, this is something that would have made me twitch and cry - it definitely would have made my facebook post. These days, I didn't even think of it until nearly a week later when I am trying to come up with examples as to how Caleb's behavior doesn't faze me like it used it.
That doesn't mean there aren't the breakout behaviors that cause me to write blog entries, such as the freezer incident that happened last week. I am just saying that overall, I am getting more used to the general behavior of an autistic child.
As we are speaking, it is 9pm, and Caleb is jumping around in his crib. Last night, he was up until 11pm and then this morning he woke up at 7:30am. That is not nearly enough sleep for him. Six months ago this would drive me up the wall. Six months ago I would have tried to control the situation. Now I know that I cannot; somethings are just beyond my control.
There are things that I still worry about. This weekend, Caleb didn't really spend a whole lot of time interacting with my husband and me. He wanted to play on his Kindle the entire time. I don't want to let him play on his Kindle, but then again, I feel like if he makes the effort to communicate to me that he wants his Kindle, he should be rewarded with his Kindle.
James Paul Gee is a famous author and researcher who has written a lot of books on how children and adults learn from playing digital games (i.e. on the computer or console). It is the idea that one can learn rules, cause and effect, delayed gratification and exploration in addition to the intended lessons of a game. So, I figure that educational games must have some positive effect on Caleb.
That said, the research population didn't include autistic children or any children with special needs. I need to weigh the possible benefits of digital play against Caleb interacting with passive toys - or, maybe even, *gasp* with me.
No matter what is going on with Caleb, or the past six months, there has been one consistency. I always have been and always will go to bed feeling like a bad mother. I will always go to bed feeling like I failed the day and failed my son. I could have done better. I could have done more for him. So, no matter what choice I make about toys or bedtimes, it will never be the absolute right one, because no choice is absolutely right.
Maybe one day I will feel like I have done enough.
But for now, I will go to bed with the same thought as always.
I am a bad mom.
About a week ago, when Caleb was sitting in the middle of a pile of Duplos and started spinning around, I timed for how long he would spin. He spun around for a full minute. Six months ago, this is something that would have made me twitch and cry - it definitely would have made my facebook post. These days, I didn't even think of it until nearly a week later when I am trying to come up with examples as to how Caleb's behavior doesn't faze me like it used it.
That doesn't mean there aren't the breakout behaviors that cause me to write blog entries, such as the freezer incident that happened last week. I am just saying that overall, I am getting more used to the general behavior of an autistic child.
As we are speaking, it is 9pm, and Caleb is jumping around in his crib. Last night, he was up until 11pm and then this morning he woke up at 7:30am. That is not nearly enough sleep for him. Six months ago this would drive me up the wall. Six months ago I would have tried to control the situation. Now I know that I cannot; somethings are just beyond my control.
There are things that I still worry about. This weekend, Caleb didn't really spend a whole lot of time interacting with my husband and me. He wanted to play on his Kindle the entire time. I don't want to let him play on his Kindle, but then again, I feel like if he makes the effort to communicate to me that he wants his Kindle, he should be rewarded with his Kindle.
James Paul Gee is a famous author and researcher who has written a lot of books on how children and adults learn from playing digital games (i.e. on the computer or console). It is the idea that one can learn rules, cause and effect, delayed gratification and exploration in addition to the intended lessons of a game. So, I figure that educational games must have some positive effect on Caleb.
That said, the research population didn't include autistic children or any children with special needs. I need to weigh the possible benefits of digital play against Caleb interacting with passive toys - or, maybe even, *gasp* with me.
No matter what is going on with Caleb, or the past six months, there has been one consistency. I always have been and always will go to bed feeling like a bad mother. I will always go to bed feeling like I failed the day and failed my son. I could have done better. I could have done more for him. So, no matter what choice I make about toys or bedtimes, it will never be the absolute right one, because no choice is absolutely right.
Maybe one day I will feel like I have done enough.
But for now, I will go to bed with the same thought as always.
I am a bad mom.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Highs and Lows
It seems that with an autistic child, the highest highs are often followed with the lowest lows.
Happiness is great, wonderful, and fantastic, but when Caleb gets too excited or too happy, he can't quite control himself. He will want to do something that he is not supposed to do and at some point, I am going to have to say, "no." Then Caleb will have a meltdown. This is why I prefer contentment or peacefulness to happiness.
For example:
Today, Caleb was insisting that he wanted to go into the kitchen (we have a baby gate up separating the dining room from the kitchen). He was so cute and so persistent, that I eventually caved; I made him hold my hand because I didn't want him running to the dog water and splashing in it like he usually does. Caleb always wants to run in the kitchen and splash in the dog water. It is disgusting. But, this time, Caleb held onto my hand and stayed away from the doggie bowl.
Caleb discovered the fridge and freezer. Soon his new raison d'etre was to pull every frozen item out of our freezer and put it on the floor. Strawberries, asparagus, brussels sprouts, all arranged to his liking on our faux wooden floor.
But then, with the salmon burgers in his hand, he saw the doggie water bowl. His eyes lit up and he dashed toward it. I got there and lifted him away from the water before he got soaked and tried to redirect Caleb back to the freezer. But, alas, Caleb had a new, shinier toy to play with and the freezer was old cow.
Eventually I had to hoist Caleb back over the baby gate and just put the food back in the freezer myself.
Caleb was beside himself.
He cried and screamed and threw toys and hit himself.
He had tears and snot streaming down his face.
I sat down on the floor without making a noise and reached my hand out to him, he was repelled by me, as if I were the most offense being on Earth.
But still, I gently brought Caleb over to my lap where I quietly told him that I understood why he was upset and that I respected his feelings.
I then put on baby crack, a la Giggle Bellies, and after 22 minutes of that, I mostly had my baby boy back.
5 minutes of happiness followed by about 30 minutes of shear meltdown terror.
Yeah, sometimes I don't know if it is worth it....
Happiness is great, wonderful, and fantastic, but when Caleb gets too excited or too happy, he can't quite control himself. He will want to do something that he is not supposed to do and at some point, I am going to have to say, "no." Then Caleb will have a meltdown. This is why I prefer contentment or peacefulness to happiness.
For example:
Today, Caleb was insisting that he wanted to go into the kitchen (we have a baby gate up separating the dining room from the kitchen). He was so cute and so persistent, that I eventually caved; I made him hold my hand because I didn't want him running to the dog water and splashing in it like he usually does. Caleb always wants to run in the kitchen and splash in the dog water. It is disgusting. But, this time, Caleb held onto my hand and stayed away from the doggie bowl.
Caleb discovered the fridge and freezer. Soon his new raison d'etre was to pull every frozen item out of our freezer and put it on the floor. Strawberries, asparagus, brussels sprouts, all arranged to his liking on our faux wooden floor.
But then, with the salmon burgers in his hand, he saw the doggie water bowl. His eyes lit up and he dashed toward it. I got there and lifted him away from the water before he got soaked and tried to redirect Caleb back to the freezer. But, alas, Caleb had a new, shinier toy to play with and the freezer was old cow.
Eventually I had to hoist Caleb back over the baby gate and just put the food back in the freezer myself.
Caleb was beside himself.
He cried and screamed and threw toys and hit himself.
He had tears and snot streaming down his face.
I sat down on the floor without making a noise and reached my hand out to him, he was repelled by me, as if I were the most offense being on Earth.
But still, I gently brought Caleb over to my lap where I quietly told him that I understood why he was upset and that I respected his feelings.
I then put on baby crack, a la Giggle Bellies, and after 22 minutes of that, I mostly had my baby boy back.
5 minutes of happiness followed by about 30 minutes of shear meltdown terror.
Yeah, sometimes I don't know if it is worth it....
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Well.... Isn't that special?
In the past post I discussed how I can be suddenly aware of how different my life is versus the lives of other parents with neurotypical children. And while I love Caleb and would not trade him for anyone, let there not be a doubt in anyone's mind that I would get rid of his autism if I could - in a fricking heartbeat.
My husband, Caleb, and I have settled into our own little routine, and looking at the lives of friends and their kids seems so foreign and strange. You made cookies with your child? You had a verbal argument with your daughter? Your son helped you make dinner? I'm sorry, I don't understand - are these real children or just super short adults?
The part that I noticed this past week is how strange we seem to other people. My Great Aunt Ann had her 93 birthday party last night, and a lot of family from all over the country came to celebrate with her. I had to call and say that we could not make it; Caleb is suddenly very attached to me and being away from both Albert and me for the duration of a party might put Caleb into a meltdown of disastrous proportions. And, of course, there was no way we could take him to the party. It seemed natural for us to sadly decline the offer, but my family didn't really understand why. And how could they?
My birthday was on the 15th of this month. When my Grandma asked me what I would buy for myself with the check she sent me, I said that it was going toward Caleb's expensive gfcf groceries. She was surprised and called me sweet. But really, I am not generous, I am just trying to make sure we stay in the black.
My mom tells me that she is proud of me for finding all of these programs that help Caleb - the Kaufman Center, Early On, and then we have our official evaluation at Henry Ford Hospital. I also read tons of articles and books on autism, and that is why I decided to try the gluten-free/casein-free diet. I am not doing anything special; I am just being a mother trying to help her son.
So, to others my actions may seem sweet or mysterious or silly or awesome, but honestly, I am just doing what any mother would do. When we decide to get pregnant and have a baby, we make a contract with that baby to always put that baby first. I am just honoring that contract.
And to my family and friends who have amazing, beautiful neurotypical children, I do not resent the life you have with children, although at times I might envy it. When Caleb is having his after-nap meltdown which requires a half-hour routine to cure, I envy you who can feed your children wet food, or trust your child not to run off away from you, or even are able to have a broken-English conversation with your child. Yes, I do envy you.
But, right now, life is good. I am not sad. I may be a little stressed out and tired, but I am happy. I can see the daily improvements in Caleb and my husband and I celebrate those wins.
And with hope, hard work, and love, maybe one day, I will have no reason to envy anyone at all.
Oh, and for the record, I have no problem with you calling me awesome, special, or sweet. promise. :)
My husband, Caleb, and I have settled into our own little routine, and looking at the lives of friends and their kids seems so foreign and strange. You made cookies with your child? You had a verbal argument with your daughter? Your son helped you make dinner? I'm sorry, I don't understand - are these real children or just super short adults?
The part that I noticed this past week is how strange we seem to other people. My Great Aunt Ann had her 93 birthday party last night, and a lot of family from all over the country came to celebrate with her. I had to call and say that we could not make it; Caleb is suddenly very attached to me and being away from both Albert and me for the duration of a party might put Caleb into a meltdown of disastrous proportions. And, of course, there was no way we could take him to the party. It seemed natural for us to sadly decline the offer, but my family didn't really understand why. And how could they?
My birthday was on the 15th of this month. When my Grandma asked me what I would buy for myself with the check she sent me, I said that it was going toward Caleb's expensive gfcf groceries. She was surprised and called me sweet. But really, I am not generous, I am just trying to make sure we stay in the black.
My mom tells me that she is proud of me for finding all of these programs that help Caleb - the Kaufman Center, Early On, and then we have our official evaluation at Henry Ford Hospital. I also read tons of articles and books on autism, and that is why I decided to try the gluten-free/casein-free diet. I am not doing anything special; I am just being a mother trying to help her son.
So, to others my actions may seem sweet or mysterious or silly or awesome, but honestly, I am just doing what any mother would do. When we decide to get pregnant and have a baby, we make a contract with that baby to always put that baby first. I am just honoring that contract.
And to my family and friends who have amazing, beautiful neurotypical children, I do not resent the life you have with children, although at times I might envy it. When Caleb is having his after-nap meltdown which requires a half-hour routine to cure, I envy you who can feed your children wet food, or trust your child not to run off away from you, or even are able to have a broken-English conversation with your child. Yes, I do envy you.
But, right now, life is good. I am not sad. I may be a little stressed out and tired, but I am happy. I can see the daily improvements in Caleb and my husband and I celebrate those wins.
And with hope, hard work, and love, maybe one day, I will have no reason to envy anyone at all.
Oh, and for the record, I have no problem with you calling me awesome, special, or sweet. promise. :)
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Therapy Rockstar
Yesterday I had a horrible migraine, so it was a freebie day for Caleb. He didn't have to do any therapy that day - he could choose whichever activity he wanted. He could even watch tv and play on his kindle at the same time. He was so happy that I actually got about 2 hours of cuddle time, which is basically unheard of with Caleb. It was wonderful.
Then today, Caleb was a rockstar in therapy. We brought in some of his favorite foods for him to work with in OT. He happily munched away on his snacks during food time and then was nonresistant during his therapy routines. His therapist was blown away. The plan is to keep working with these snacks and then eventually work in some of the foods he doesn't like because of taste or texture or whatever and get Caleb to eat them. This how, hopefully, we will get Caleb to expand his palette.
Then, in speech therapy Caleb was calm, happy and focused. Toward the end of the session, he imitated his therapist by clapping his hands after she did, which of course earned him tons of praise. He was also good at putting his hands in her hands upon request and following through with directions. Caleb's limbs with nice and loose instead of being stiff and resistant like he was in the past.
The piece de resistance came when we were about to leave the Kaufman Center - Caleb was walking while holding my hand. He was doing so well walking with me, I decided to see for how long Caleb could hold my hand. Caleb was able to walk nicely next to me while holding my hand all the way to our car. There was no resistance, no pulling, no sitting down. It was incredible. I nearly cried.
I told my husband about this, and he relayed to me a story where he wanted to go to Walgreen's, but he was with Caleb, and the idea of carrying him around the store the entire time seemed unbearable. However, if Caleb were able to walk like a neurotypical, such a task wouldn't be an issue.
I, too, had a similar thought today. I was watching Caleb through the one-way mirror, and it suddenly struck me that I was hoping that today my son might hold a toy hammer correctly. Parents of neurotypical children don't have to worry about whether their child will ever talk. They don't have to think about therapy and special gfcf diets. They don't have to try and teach their kid over and over for months how to correctly hold and then swing a toy hammer.
It seems like such a different world, that of neurotypical children.
I feel like right now, I wouldn't know what to do with a neurotypical child. I am so used to Caleb's routines and his silence.
It is funny - when Caleb was a baby, all I could think was, "I can't wait to hear his voice and have him tell me what he wants."
Now, I understand Caleb's silence better than other neurotypical children's speech.
Then today, Caleb was a rockstar in therapy. We brought in some of his favorite foods for him to work with in OT. He happily munched away on his snacks during food time and then was nonresistant during his therapy routines. His therapist was blown away. The plan is to keep working with these snacks and then eventually work in some of the foods he doesn't like because of taste or texture or whatever and get Caleb to eat them. This how, hopefully, we will get Caleb to expand his palette.
Then, in speech therapy Caleb was calm, happy and focused. Toward the end of the session, he imitated his therapist by clapping his hands after she did, which of course earned him tons of praise. He was also good at putting his hands in her hands upon request and following through with directions. Caleb's limbs with nice and loose instead of being stiff and resistant like he was in the past.
The piece de resistance came when we were about to leave the Kaufman Center - Caleb was walking while holding my hand. He was doing so well walking with me, I decided to see for how long Caleb could hold my hand. Caleb was able to walk nicely next to me while holding my hand all the way to our car. There was no resistance, no pulling, no sitting down. It was incredible. I nearly cried.
I told my husband about this, and he relayed to me a story where he wanted to go to Walgreen's, but he was with Caleb, and the idea of carrying him around the store the entire time seemed unbearable. However, if Caleb were able to walk like a neurotypical, such a task wouldn't be an issue.
I, too, had a similar thought today. I was watching Caleb through the one-way mirror, and it suddenly struck me that I was hoping that today my son might hold a toy hammer correctly. Parents of neurotypical children don't have to worry about whether their child will ever talk. They don't have to think about therapy and special gfcf diets. They don't have to try and teach their kid over and over for months how to correctly hold and then swing a toy hammer.
It seems like such a different world, that of neurotypical children.
I feel like right now, I wouldn't know what to do with a neurotypical child. I am so used to Caleb's routines and his silence.
It is funny - when Caleb was a baby, all I could think was, "I can't wait to hear his voice and have him tell me what he wants."
Now, I understand Caleb's silence better than other neurotypical children's speech.
Monday, February 17, 2014
My Little Trooper!
The past four days have been full, full, full!
On Friday, Caleb and I went back to Farmington Schools (finally...) to meet with the evaluators who assessed Caleb for the Early On program. If you recall, I did not have a good experience with them the first time (see blog entry Mr. Silly Pants and the Awesome OT). Well, this time was completely different. It was like I was meeting with totally different people.
During the meeting, the evaluators explained to me that while they believe that Caleb is ASD (and that Henry Ford will most assuredly find him so at our evaluation on March 5th), he is too young for them to diagnose as such. Previously I heard them say that Caleb was not autistic and that annoyed the crap out of me; for them to recognize Caleb's autism but classify it as a developmental delay doesn't bother me. Mostly I am just excited that Caleb is going to get the help he needs! The most thrilling part for me is that he will have a group session which is with 3 other kids who are at his age and developmental level. I think Caleb will get a lot out of that!
On a side note, I truly enjoyed talking with the evaluators. We actually ran over our allotted time because we were talking so much. Sometimes I forget how nice it is to talk to adults.
Then, later on that day, Caleb and I were playing on the floor. He would roll around on me and eventually I would roll him onto his back and tickle him. While he was looking up at me, I made a fishy face, and to my delight, he made the fishy face back at me!
This is a big deal because we are working on getting Caleb to imitate us both physically and verbally. This is my first real success. I thought I would see if it was just a fluke, so I repeated the process of rolling him onto his back, tickling him, and making the fishy face. Again, my super star little boy made the fishy face back at me. I decided to push my luck one more time, and yet again, Caleb imitated my fishy face.
Well, at that point, my heart was soaring and my smile was from ear to ear. I knew I had to share the news! I think I called every family member and told them about our fishy face super star! These little wins are so important. Caleb works so hard everyday, and I do push him sometimes, I admit it. But to have these successes just goes to show that Caleb's work isn't all for nothing.
I am really so proud of him.
Today he had an amazing day at OT. He did so well that he is moving on to working with food on Wednesday.
My little trooper.
He is sincerely amazeballs.
On Friday, Caleb and I went back to Farmington Schools (finally...) to meet with the evaluators who assessed Caleb for the Early On program. If you recall, I did not have a good experience with them the first time (see blog entry Mr. Silly Pants and the Awesome OT). Well, this time was completely different. It was like I was meeting with totally different people.
During the meeting, the evaluators explained to me that while they believe that Caleb is ASD (and that Henry Ford will most assuredly find him so at our evaluation on March 5th), he is too young for them to diagnose as such. Previously I heard them say that Caleb was not autistic and that annoyed the crap out of me; for them to recognize Caleb's autism but classify it as a developmental delay doesn't bother me. Mostly I am just excited that Caleb is going to get the help he needs! The most thrilling part for me is that he will have a group session which is with 3 other kids who are at his age and developmental level. I think Caleb will get a lot out of that!
On a side note, I truly enjoyed talking with the evaluators. We actually ran over our allotted time because we were talking so much. Sometimes I forget how nice it is to talk to adults.
Then, later on that day, Caleb and I were playing on the floor. He would roll around on me and eventually I would roll him onto his back and tickle him. While he was looking up at me, I made a fishy face, and to my delight, he made the fishy face back at me!
This is a big deal because we are working on getting Caleb to imitate us both physically and verbally. This is my first real success. I thought I would see if it was just a fluke, so I repeated the process of rolling him onto his back, tickling him, and making the fishy face. Again, my super star little boy made the fishy face back at me. I decided to push my luck one more time, and yet again, Caleb imitated my fishy face.
Well, at that point, my heart was soaring and my smile was from ear to ear. I knew I had to share the news! I think I called every family member and told them about our fishy face super star! These little wins are so important. Caleb works so hard everyday, and I do push him sometimes, I admit it. But to have these successes just goes to show that Caleb's work isn't all for nothing.
I am really so proud of him.
Today he had an amazing day at OT. He did so well that he is moving on to working with food on Wednesday.
My little trooper.
He is sincerely amazeballs.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Bubbles
There is a lot of new stuff to post, but for now it is late and I am tired.
Enjoy Caleb and his bubbles.
Enjoy Caleb and his bubbles.
Friday, February 14, 2014
What NOT to say
It has almost become cliche in the autism community: your child doesn't look autistic.
Well, it is cliche for a reason.
I am so sick of hearing this.
What do you expect to see from my son?
Is he supposed to run around with his hands over his ears, screaming constantly?
Is he supposed to be rocking back and forth in some Rain Man rhythm?
And then I hear from other parents: he looks just like a regular 2 year old.
Well, thanks I guess. But, he isn't. I don't know if they are trying to be supportive or if they think that I have the wrong diagnosis, but I don't always understand the motive for saying this. And it doesn't really sound supportive. It sounds judge-y.
I can understand how some people may think that saying Caleb doesn't look autistic is a compliment, but in reality, it isn't. Because autism doesn't look a specific way. As they say, if you have seen 1 child with autism, you have seen 1 child with autism.
Well, it is cliche for a reason.
I am so sick of hearing this.
What do you expect to see from my son?
Is he supposed to run around with his hands over his ears, screaming constantly?
Is he supposed to be rocking back and forth in some Rain Man rhythm?
And then I hear from other parents: he looks just like a regular 2 year old.
Well, thanks I guess. But, he isn't. I don't know if they are trying to be supportive or if they think that I have the wrong diagnosis, but I don't always understand the motive for saying this. And it doesn't really sound supportive. It sounds judge-y.
I can understand how some people may think that saying Caleb doesn't look autistic is a compliment, but in reality, it isn't. Because autism doesn't look a specific way. As they say, if you have seen 1 child with autism, you have seen 1 child with autism.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Going ahead with gfcf
Today I took Caleb to the pediatrician to go over his new gfcf diet and make sure that we are doing everything correctly. I didn't know if certain supplements would help, and I wanted to check with her before starting anything. Our pediatrician is awesome; she is direct and to the point. She doesn't quite get autistic kids, so she is not very understanding of Caleb's diet, but she doesn't push too hard.
As per Caleb's diet, Caleb's pediatrician and I both came the same conclusion: the gfcf diet is working but we have to make sure he doesn't lose weight since he is already skinny; adding extra vitamins, minerals, and supplements can have some scary side effects so it is best to just add some poly-vi-sol to his routine; the gfcf diet is worth it for the GI improvements alone.
Overall, Caleb has been doing a lot better now that he has been on this gfcf diet. In fact, on Tuesday morning while my husband was getting Caleb ready, Caleb was sitting on his rocking chair, looked up at his daddy, and said, "good." This is a word that he would use all the time, but has since stopped saying. It was so great to hear about bits of out old Caleb coming back to us. I can see how frustrated Caleb gets when he cannot properly express to us what he wants. I so look forward to the day when Caleb can actually use his words.
That day will be a miracle for all of us.
As per Caleb's diet, Caleb's pediatrician and I both came the same conclusion: the gfcf diet is working but we have to make sure he doesn't lose weight since he is already skinny; adding extra vitamins, minerals, and supplements can have some scary side effects so it is best to just add some poly-vi-sol to his routine; the gfcf diet is worth it for the GI improvements alone.
Overall, Caleb has been doing a lot better now that he has been on this gfcf diet. In fact, on Tuesday morning while my husband was getting Caleb ready, Caleb was sitting on his rocking chair, looked up at his daddy, and said, "good." This is a word that he would use all the time, but has since stopped saying. It was so great to hear about bits of out old Caleb coming back to us. I can see how frustrated Caleb gets when he cannot properly express to us what he wants. I so look forward to the day when Caleb can actually use his words.
That day will be a miracle for all of us.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
OshKosh B'monkey
We got some very thoughtful gifts these past couple days! My husband and I are very touched.
On Sunday, my in-laws came over and they had some awesome Valentine's Day gifts for Caleb. First of all, they gave Caleb the complete collection of Nancy Tillman's books, which are all very beautiful, very sweet, and very welcome in our house. And anyone who knows us knows that we love books! She also brought Caleb a doll and a backpack to see if it would further his interest in working with figures. Last but not least, she bought Caleb these OshKosh B'gosh overalls that were "just like Grandpa use to wear, working the fields." When Caleb tried them on, my husband agreed that Caleb looked just like Grandpa, except, you know, 2 years old.
Then today in the mail we get another unexpected gift, this time from my husband's sister. She was recently in Japan, and there she found this towel and thought of us. I have to say, this towel is so perfect, I started to tear up a bit. The gift was very touching; even the strawberries are perfect because Caleb has a love affair with freeze dried strawberries.
It is really nice to have a family that is so thoughtful and sweet. And yes, I don't need gifts to know that I am loved, but sometimes they act as visual reminders when the words are too far away.
On Sunday, my in-laws came over and they had some awesome Valentine's Day gifts for Caleb. First of all, they gave Caleb the complete collection of Nancy Tillman's books, which are all very beautiful, very sweet, and very welcome in our house. And anyone who knows us knows that we love books! She also brought Caleb a doll and a backpack to see if it would further his interest in working with figures. Last but not least, she bought Caleb these OshKosh B'gosh overalls that were "just like Grandpa use to wear, working the fields." When Caleb tried them on, my husband agreed that Caleb looked just like Grandpa, except, you know, 2 years old.
Then today in the mail we get another unexpected gift, this time from my husband's sister. She was recently in Japan, and there she found this towel and thought of us. I have to say, this towel is so perfect, I started to tear up a bit. The gift was very touching; even the strawberries are perfect because Caleb has a love affair with freeze dried strawberries.
It is really nice to have a family that is so thoughtful and sweet. And yes, I don't need gifts to know that I am loved, but sometimes they act as visual reminders when the words are too far away.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Snickeryoudle.
I have read that after a few good days on the gfcf diet, a child will become nice and whiny. Well, it is good to know that my child is finally hitting milestones right on time! Yup, on Friday, Caleb became the whiny whinerson that whined.
I decided to take Caleb grocery shopping for some more gluten-free/casein-free foods, since at that time his diet was pretty limited. We first went to Meijer and I was pleased to see that they have a whole little section of gluten-free items, many of which are made for people who also do not want dairy in their food. However, Caleb was soooo noisy; I was terribly distracted while reading labels.
His cries and moans were constant, and I was desperately trying to keep him complacent with a steady stream of gluten-free pretzels. I frantically switched between shoving pretzels in my toddler's mouth and looking at the ingredients in these strange, new foods by companies I had never seen before. Eventually I just grabbed what I thought was a good range of products and headed to checkout.
When I got home, I realized that I had bought 4 bags of pretzels (they were 40% off!) and 6 boxes of cookies.
Seriously.
wtf.
Btw, the Trader Joe's allergen-free snickerdoodle soft-baked cookies are totally yummy.
But everything we got by Enjoy Life tastes weird....
like someone accidentally dropped a bar of soap in the mix or something...
I decided to take Caleb grocery shopping for some more gluten-free/casein-free foods, since at that time his diet was pretty limited. We first went to Meijer and I was pleased to see that they have a whole little section of gluten-free items, many of which are made for people who also do not want dairy in their food. However, Caleb was soooo noisy; I was terribly distracted while reading labels.
His cries and moans were constant, and I was desperately trying to keep him complacent with a steady stream of gluten-free pretzels. I frantically switched between shoving pretzels in my toddler's mouth and looking at the ingredients in these strange, new foods by companies I had never seen before. Eventually I just grabbed what I thought was a good range of products and headed to checkout.
When I got home, I realized that I had bought 4 bags of pretzels (they were 40% off!) and 6 boxes of cookies.
Seriously.
wtf.
Btw, the Trader Joe's allergen-free snickerdoodle soft-baked cookies are totally yummy.
But everything we got by Enjoy Life tastes weird....
like someone accidentally dropped a bar of soap in the mix or something...
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Penguins are now my second favorite animal
Today was another good day.
Our friends Audrey and Damien came over to play, which is always fun. Caleb interacted better with Damien by being more inclusive in play, doing a lot of hugs, and not being possessive of toys. Caleb still engaged in some inappropriate play, namely hugging Damien head first so that it looks like a headbutt, and trying to sit on Damien's back when Damien was on all fours.
Overall I am sincerely impressed with the improvement of Caleb's behavior, and it is hard not to attribute it to the change of diet.
Another interesting note is that while Caleb isn't drinking more fluids, he is peeing more. It seems that gluten allergies can cause dehydration. I wasn't expecting Caleb's extra flow, and earlier today he totally overflowed his diaper and soaked his pants. Oops...
This afternoon he ate more bits of apple. So cool.
He napped for 3 freaking hours and I then had to wake him up so he would go to bed at a reasonable hour. Amazeballs.
THEN.
Caleb was playing on his Kindle Fire - it was some app where a cartoon animal appears and then it has the written name of the animal, it says the name of the animal, and the animal makes a sound.
The Kindle said, "Penguin."
Caleb then opened his mouth and quietly but purposefully said, "Pen-gi-en."
Kid. You. Not.
I nearly fell over. I sat there slack-jawed and all stupid-like and then called for my husband. I explained it to him, and he exclaimed, "NO WAY!"
And then we didn't know what to do with ourselves because this awesome little moment came and went and we wanted to make it last as long as possible. So, we just were still, waiting for something else to happen, but nothing did.
So, I called my mom and relived the moment again.
Truth is, there will be more moments like this one. I have faith that there will be. Some people have faith in God or Jesus or Angels. I have faith in Caleb. After all, he is my favorite monkey.
Our friends Audrey and Damien came over to play, which is always fun. Caleb interacted better with Damien by being more inclusive in play, doing a lot of hugs, and not being possessive of toys. Caleb still engaged in some inappropriate play, namely hugging Damien head first so that it looks like a headbutt, and trying to sit on Damien's back when Damien was on all fours.
Overall I am sincerely impressed with the improvement of Caleb's behavior, and it is hard not to attribute it to the change of diet.
Another interesting note is that while Caleb isn't drinking more fluids, he is peeing more. It seems that gluten allergies can cause dehydration. I wasn't expecting Caleb's extra flow, and earlier today he totally overflowed his diaper and soaked his pants. Oops...
This afternoon he ate more bits of apple. So cool.
He napped for 3 freaking hours and I then had to wake him up so he would go to bed at a reasonable hour. Amazeballs.
THEN.
Caleb was playing on his Kindle Fire - it was some app where a cartoon animal appears and then it has the written name of the animal, it says the name of the animal, and the animal makes a sound.
The Kindle said, "Penguin."
Caleb then opened his mouth and quietly but purposefully said, "Pen-gi-en."
Kid. You. Not.
I nearly fell over. I sat there slack-jawed and all stupid-like and then called for my husband. I explained it to him, and he exclaimed, "NO WAY!"
And then we didn't know what to do with ourselves because this awesome little moment came and went and we wanted to make it last as long as possible. So, we just were still, waiting for something else to happen, but nothing did.
So, I called my mom and relived the moment again.
Truth is, there will be more moments like this one. I have faith that there will be. Some people have faith in God or Jesus or Angels. I have faith in Caleb. After all, he is my favorite monkey.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
gfcf is drama free
Tuesday while I was at MHNI, my husband took my son across the street to Whole Foods and picked up a bunch of gluten-free/casein-free foods for Caleb. Some were hits (the pretzels, cereal bars), and some were misses (freeze-dried chickpeas, crackers that had whey in them). But overall, we got enough stuff to start Caleb on his new gfcf diet.
We had already replaced his regular milk with soy milk, which was easy enough since I drink soy milk. I know that some people also do soy free, but that shit is crazysauce. Basically, then you are reduced to eating no processed foods at all, which is fine for adults, but for an autistic kid who only wants pretzels, my child would starve. Seriously.
Already on Tuesday we noticed a difference. While shopping, we fed him snacks he had on hand that were already gfcf. My husband had to keep him occupied while I was at my appointment, but it seemed easier for Caleb to be patient and happy for longer. I was even able to stop at Beaumont for a blood test and then at Walgreens to drop off some scripts before heading home. All in all, we had been on the road from 8am until 12:30pm, and my son was still in a good mood. Insane.
Later that day, he seemed in a good place, so I thought I would do a little therapy homework with him. I started with the hardest first: the puzzle. I could never get him to sit still in my lap and work a puzzle with me. Well, that day, he did it. We then did the stacking rings, and he never got frustrated or angry; he concentrated and had fun, and when he was done he didn't kick or throw things, he simply walked away. He went into the other room, so I thought I would push my luck once more - I called for him to come to me. I called out twice and waited, and then I heard his voice getting louder; for the first time in 2 months, he came right to me when I called for him. I hugged Caleb and praised him, and decided that I should stop testing him, because it really couldn't get any better than that.
Today he woke up early from a nightmare, around 5 am. After some sweet daddy cuddles he went back to bed, and then was back up at 7, and back to his sweet happy self. There were no real changes to his behavior, but he was just calmer than usual - Less freak outs and tantrums. Then he pooped (and sorry this is gross, but it is important) and he had a normal, soft poo. Usually he is constipated so he only poops every 2-3 days, and when he does he can hurt himself. This was different - it was normal. Amazing.
Then, during my morning snack, I had an apple. Caleb climbed onto the table and touched my apple. I offered him a piece, and to my shock, he ate it! I offered other small pieces, but he didn't want them. Instead, he grabbed my big piece of apple (about 1/3 of an apple) and started licking it. He put it in his mouth, and over the course of 5 minutes, ate the whole thing. He hadn't eaten an apple since the summer, and he usually can't stand to touch anything wet like that. Albert and I were amazed.
At dinner, he ate fries (baked, not fried), which again, he has refused to eat for months. In addition to his improved eating habits, today he has not had any violent episodes, no major breakdowns, no real drama of any kind. I mean sure, he uses his intonation to communicate need, so he may sound more in distress at times, but his physical state does not convey that distress. His body has been looser, allowing me to manipulate his hands when I show him the proper sign language.
So, this all sounds too good to be true.
I am very much waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But, if it doesn't, then it is really good for now but I also worry about Caleb as he grows up.
Poor Caleb won't be able to eat a good chocolate bar and I won't be able to fix his fever with matzah ball soup. He can never eat fast food with his buddies.
But, for now, at least he has gluten-free pretzels.
We had already replaced his regular milk with soy milk, which was easy enough since I drink soy milk. I know that some people also do soy free, but that shit is crazysauce. Basically, then you are reduced to eating no processed foods at all, which is fine for adults, but for an autistic kid who only wants pretzels, my child would starve. Seriously.
Already on Tuesday we noticed a difference. While shopping, we fed him snacks he had on hand that were already gfcf. My husband had to keep him occupied while I was at my appointment, but it seemed easier for Caleb to be patient and happy for longer. I was even able to stop at Beaumont for a blood test and then at Walgreens to drop off some scripts before heading home. All in all, we had been on the road from 8am until 12:30pm, and my son was still in a good mood. Insane.
Later that day, he seemed in a good place, so I thought I would do a little therapy homework with him. I started with the hardest first: the puzzle. I could never get him to sit still in my lap and work a puzzle with me. Well, that day, he did it. We then did the stacking rings, and he never got frustrated or angry; he concentrated and had fun, and when he was done he didn't kick or throw things, he simply walked away. He went into the other room, so I thought I would push my luck once more - I called for him to come to me. I called out twice and waited, and then I heard his voice getting louder; for the first time in 2 months, he came right to me when I called for him. I hugged Caleb and praised him, and decided that I should stop testing him, because it really couldn't get any better than that.
Today he woke up early from a nightmare, around 5 am. After some sweet daddy cuddles he went back to bed, and then was back up at 7, and back to his sweet happy self. There were no real changes to his behavior, but he was just calmer than usual - Less freak outs and tantrums. Then he pooped (and sorry this is gross, but it is important) and he had a normal, soft poo. Usually he is constipated so he only poops every 2-3 days, and when he does he can hurt himself. This was different - it was normal. Amazing.
Then, during my morning snack, I had an apple. Caleb climbed onto the table and touched my apple. I offered him a piece, and to my shock, he ate it! I offered other small pieces, but he didn't want them. Instead, he grabbed my big piece of apple (about 1/3 of an apple) and started licking it. He put it in his mouth, and over the course of 5 minutes, ate the whole thing. He hadn't eaten an apple since the summer, and he usually can't stand to touch anything wet like that. Albert and I were amazed.
At dinner, he ate fries (baked, not fried), which again, he has refused to eat for months. In addition to his improved eating habits, today he has not had any violent episodes, no major breakdowns, no real drama of any kind. I mean sure, he uses his intonation to communicate need, so he may sound more in distress at times, but his physical state does not convey that distress. His body has been looser, allowing me to manipulate his hands when I show him the proper sign language.
So, this all sounds too good to be true.
I am very much waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But, if it doesn't, then it is really good for now but I also worry about Caleb as he grows up.
Poor Caleb won't be able to eat a good chocolate bar and I won't be able to fix his fever with matzah ball soup. He can never eat fast food with his buddies.
But, for now, at least he has gluten-free pretzels.
Monday, February 3, 2014
GFCF?
Caleb's occupational therapist has reminded me several times to look at a particular instance of Caleb's behavior and see what precipitated the event, what happened during the event, and what happened after the event. Perhaps then I can start to pick up trends, seeing if there is a common theme as to what is happening before, during, or after Caleb acts out.
When looking back at Caleb's behavior over the past week, I have noticed that Caleb's outbursts have followed his meals or snacks. Even a quick munch on some pretzels would coincide with Caleb acting aggressively or moody.
I have read about autistic children having success on a gluten-free/dairy-free diet. It seems that autistic children have a more sensitive system than nuerotypical children. Gluten and dairy can not only disrupt their digestive processes, but it can also affect their cognitive functions, behavior, social skills, and speech.
The gfcf (also called gdf) diet has not been empirically proven, but there is sufficient anecdotal evidence to suggest that this is a method worth trying. If we are willing to spend money (lots of money, honestly) on therapy, and work on speech therapy and OT at home, why wouldn't we do everything in our disposal to make Caleb better. Especially if the change we are to make is relatively easy.
These days there are so many gluten-free options, I am hopeful that we are able to find many suitable replacements for Caleb's favorite foods. As for his bottles of milk, we are going to substitute soy milk. Some parents also give their children magnesium and vitamin B6; we will be talking to our pediatrician before we make any such changes to Caleb's intake. For now, Caleb will continue taking Poly-Vi-Sol and I would like to find a replacement source for DHA.
Here is hoping that gluten-free food doesn't taste like sawdust.
Oh, and that it doesn't cost us an arm and a leg...
When looking back at Caleb's behavior over the past week, I have noticed that Caleb's outbursts have followed his meals or snacks. Even a quick munch on some pretzels would coincide with Caleb acting aggressively or moody.
I have read about autistic children having success on a gluten-free/dairy-free diet. It seems that autistic children have a more sensitive system than nuerotypical children. Gluten and dairy can not only disrupt their digestive processes, but it can also affect their cognitive functions, behavior, social skills, and speech.
The gfcf (also called gdf) diet has not been empirically proven, but there is sufficient anecdotal evidence to suggest that this is a method worth trying. If we are willing to spend money (lots of money, honestly) on therapy, and work on speech therapy and OT at home, why wouldn't we do everything in our disposal to make Caleb better. Especially if the change we are to make is relatively easy.
These days there are so many gluten-free options, I am hopeful that we are able to find many suitable replacements for Caleb's favorite foods. As for his bottles of milk, we are going to substitute soy milk. Some parents also give their children magnesium and vitamin B6; we will be talking to our pediatrician before we make any such changes to Caleb's intake. For now, Caleb will continue taking Poly-Vi-Sol and I would like to find a replacement source for DHA.
Here is hoping that gluten-free food doesn't taste like sawdust.
Oh, and that it doesn't cost us an arm and a leg...
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Friday, January 31, 2014
New Photography Series
I have been working on a new photography series that looks at both the darkness and the light of Caleb's autism.
So far I have 9 pictures.
Here are 2 just to give you an idea of what I am doing.
Let me know what you think.
So far I have 9 pictures.
Here are 2 just to give you an idea of what I am doing.
Let me know what you think.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Caleb's No Good, Very Bad Day.
Yesterday was a disaster.
And by disaster, I don’t mean that Caleb was a bit cranky
and that sucked for like, 15 minutes. I
mean that Caleb was a complete and fucking disaster for the whole fucking day,
leaving me in tears, threatening to slit my wrists if this is a sign of my life
to come. All I could to do was make some
yummy thai food for dinner, shove some major migraine meds up my butt, and cry
on the phone to my mom. And then I
passed out at 9:30.
It all started at occupational therapy. I guess Caleb was not cooperating very well
because he emerged from the hallway wearing a compression vest. I got a bit of a lecture from Mr. Jason about
not letting Caleb run the show. Caleb
will collapse to the ground in a pool of Jello when he is redirected to do
something he doesn’t want to do; the compression vest is
supposed to, among other things, inhibit this Jello-collapse.
From what I saw, all it did was severely piss him off.
After his therapies, we ran a few errands, and he was
okay. He was whiney, but I kept him
fully supplied in pretzels. In his mind
I am the Pretzel Queen. I am rolling in
pretzels.
However, when we got home, shit was storming.
- I tried to feed him; he threw the food on the floor.
- I tried to use my computer; he started banging his doll’s ceramic head against my computer’s keyboard and screen.
- I took away said offensive doll; Caleb screamed and cried and screamed and cried. And screamed.
- I tried to use my computer on the fireplace mantle; Caleb pushed and hit me, trying to move me and get my attention.
- I tried to give Caleb attention; he stormed away from me and ignored me.
- A new toy came in the mail; Caleb recognized it from his speech/language therapy. I tried to go put batteries in it so we could play with it; Caleb climbed up on the table, squatted down with his fist clenched and screamed. And screamed. And screamed.
- When I did get the new toy working, Caleb did play with it nicely for a bit. Then all of a sudden he got frustrated. He threw a toy coffee pot at my shin. That kind of sucked.
- He then kicked me.
- He then threw his new toy so hard all the pieces went flying and came apart.
- When I tried to look at him to tell him we don’t hit, he shoved my face away.
These are just specific examples I am picking out of an
overall shitty day that included him also biting me, shoving me, and being a
defiant at every moment.
Now, don’t get me wrong.
I understand that no matter how bad my day was, his day was worse. And I do have compassion for my little
guy. I recently posted a pic that
stated, “No, my child isn’t giving me a rough time, my child is HAVING a rough
time.” And yes, that is something I have
to remember. That isn’t about me – my
son is the one who is having a hard time adjusting to his emotions. His explosions are not about me, they are
about him.
At the same time, it is a good thing that my son is
adorable. Seriously.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)