Henry Ford Hospital Diagnosis

The official diagnosis is: severe autism.

That word, "severe."

Kind of knocks the wind out of me.

I mean, I was expecting "autism," don't get me wrong.

But, "severe?"

That is a whole other ball park.

Now I am wondering if I have to mourn a whole lot of hopes I have had for him.

• What if Caleb never talks?
• What if Caleb never wraps his arms around me and squeezes and really hugs me?
• What if Caleb never says, "I love you" to anyone?
• What if Caleb never makes a friend?
• What if Caleb never goes to a school dance?
• What if Caleb never gets to make bad decisions like a regular teenager?
• What if Caleb never gets crushed by a crush?
• What if Caleb never falls in love?
• What if Caleb never has sex?
• What if Caleb never experiences a mind-blowing orgasm?
• What if Caleb never gets to decide whether or not to start a family of his own?
• What if Caleb never gets to go to college?
• What if Caleb never drives a car?
• What if Caleb never holds a job?
• What if Caleb never has a career?
• What if Caleb never owns more than one suit?
• What if Caleb never dances with a girl?
• What if Caleb never pierces, tattoos, or dyes something in the form of rebellion?
• What if Caleb never moves out of our house?
• What if Caleb never manages his own finances?
• What if Caleb never lives up to his true potential because he is weighted down by this heavy blanket of autism?

 I have so many questions and so many fears.

And yes, some of them are selfish.  I will admit that I want to be able to go through all the exciting mother milestones that my mom got to go through.  Being a parent of a special needs child robs you of that, and I don't think I was prepared to hear that my son was going to need therapy through his middle school years.

I was definitely not prepared to hear "severe autism."

It will take sometime to breathe and accept this diagnosis.

But, as my sister told me, Caleb is still that same sweet boy, and the diagnosis didn't change him.  And while that is true, my hopes for his future have changed, and that is something that will heal in time.