My blog entries have gotten less frequent, and that is not only because our lives have gotten busier (therapy at the center and home), but because Caleb's behavior isn't as odd to us as it used to be. I guess we are starting to get used to the idea of having an autistic child.
About a week ago, when Caleb was sitting in the middle of a pile of Duplos and started spinning around, I timed for how long he would spin. He spun around for a full minute. Six months ago, this is something that would have made me twitch and cry - it definitely would have made my facebook post. These days, I didn't even think of it until nearly a week later when I am trying to come up with examples as to how Caleb's behavior doesn't faze me like it used it.
That doesn't mean there aren't the breakout behaviors that cause me to write blog entries, such as the freezer incident that happened last week. I am just saying that overall, I am getting more used to the general behavior of an autistic child.
As we are speaking, it is 9pm, and Caleb is jumping around in his crib. Last night, he was up until 11pm and then this morning he woke up at 7:30am. That is not nearly enough sleep for him. Six months ago this would drive me up the wall. Six months ago I would have tried to control the situation. Now I know that I cannot; somethings are just beyond my control.
There are things that I still worry about. This weekend, Caleb didn't really spend a whole lot of time interacting with my husband and me. He wanted to play on his Kindle the entire time. I don't want to let him play on his Kindle, but then again, I feel like if he makes the effort to communicate to me that he wants his Kindle, he should be rewarded with his Kindle.
James Paul Gee is a famous author and researcher who has written a lot of books on how children and adults learn from playing digital games (i.e. on the computer or console). It is the idea that one can learn rules, cause and effect, delayed gratification and exploration in addition to the intended lessons of a game. So, I figure that educational games must have some positive effect on Caleb.
That said, the research population didn't include autistic children or any children with special needs. I need to weigh the possible benefits of digital play against Caleb interacting with passive toys - or, maybe even, *gasp* with me.
No matter what is going on with Caleb, or the past six months, there has been one consistency. I always have been and always will go to bed feeling like a bad mother. I will always go to bed feeling like I failed the day and failed my son. I could have done better. I could have done more for him. So, no matter what choice I make about toys or bedtimes, it will never be the absolute right one, because no choice is absolutely right.
Maybe one day I will feel like I have done enough.
But for now, I will go to bed with the same thought as always.
I am a bad mom.
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